My twin sister and I are similar like Miss California and Elton John are similar: we’re both flaming queens but only one of us is smart. People are continually shocked to find out B—* and I slipped out of the same slide. It’s not just in brain power and ambition that we differ: we look alike the way pets and their owners look alike. A stranger once asked if my ex-girlfriend and I were twins while we were standing beside my actual twin. Also, B— was born in the First World stir-ups of Memorial Mission Hospital and I was born in the parking lot of a Mexican restaurant. Because of this, I not only have a trace of brain damage, the top of my skull is also pancake flat. My sister’s head, however, is round as a silicon teet. I was also born with an extra middle finger. And there is, of course, the obvious gay/not gay thing. As the only girl in Little League, it was pretty clear that I’d never be the type to get high off the smell of Old Spice. When my sister talks about dudes I’m like, “Um, you know dudes? Will you ask one when its balls dropped?” B—, however, lives in a town that is 80% broken chromosome. And likes it. I suspect that if she ever breeds, there will be no turkey baster involved.
The archives of various gChats between my twin and I reinforce that we have some serious interpersonal issues and also that she’s a huge bitch. Take this example from five minutes ago:
me: can i have a loan?
B: no. dont mix twinz n loanz.
me: m i ur bst frin?
me: wuld u like me if we wernt twinz?
i dont think we’d really be friends
cause the time differnce
plus i don’t think we would have ever met
cause you are younger than me
B: different generations
me: tru dat
B: ur too old to be my friend
me: tru dat
plus i dont join runing clubs
or book club
B: we would be facebook friends but that’s all
I recently decided to get “brunch” tattooed on the inside of my lip. I told my sister this on our birthday and she said, “As my birthday present, can you not do something stupid today? What if brunch goes out of fashion? What if next year is all about the mid-morning snack???” I understand her concern, but I figure I’ll get both and if eating in general goes out of style, I’ll just turn them into “munch” and “mid-morning snatch.”
*My sister insists that I call her “B—” on this because a.) she doesn’t want to be associated with me, and b.) she thinks it makes her seem like a character in an F. Scott Fitzgerald novel.