This is the funniest thing I’ve ever written to an advice column as well as the best advice I’ve ever received. BUT, before you read any further, note that the following is ENTIRELY FICTION. I do not have a perpetual yeast infection and I certainly don’t drink Hamm’s. Got it? IT’S A JOKE. Now read on….
My vagina itches. Really itches. Sometimes it’s all I can do not to take a Brillo pad to my dearly betrayed lady parts. And who’s responsible for this? Me, its sad, itchy owner. Seems that the food the rest of my body craves turn my junk into a sourdough factory. It’s not like I have a terrible diet–I don’t eat meat or many processed foods. I’m sweet on leafy greens and legumes. I chew spelt on the regular. Shit, I go on double dates with keifir and yogurt.
Despite this not-so-terrible diet of mine, it turns out that the food I’m most romantical with–sweet, cold Hamm’s in a can–is just the food that make my mons all itchy-scratchy. Not cool, Hamm’s, especially when I’ve been so loyal to you. All your other friends have either switched to microbrews or left you for jobs and families and shit. But I’m still here, listening to you bitch about Pabst.
So my drink of choice makes my vag itch, yes, but the remedies aren’t all that heinous. I mean, shit, there are worse things in life than shoving raw garlic in your hole and douching with yogurt, right? Things like sobriety. So, my question: how many cloves is it cool to shove into the darkness at once? And once at capacity, how long do I keep that shit marinating? Also, is there any substance I could substitute for my beloved Hamm’s that would lessen the yeast effect? Please don’t say water.
Itchy in NC
I forgot to mention that I wear really tight pants and don’t want change that either.
So you want something in your life to change, BUT you don’t want to make changes…. Interesting Perspective!
Get ready for an onslaught of hippie yeast infection recipes on the comment board (spare me,Portland );
BUT here is MY advice:
go to the store and get some Monistat.
there is nothing worse than a yeast infection. NOTHING WORSE. (except for a UTI i guess…)
If walking around with the dental floss leashes for twelve pieces of garlic in your junk isn’t doing the trick and is getting tiresome, there is nothing wrong with going to the pharmacy and getting some medicine from modern times.
It’s cool to be Of The Earth, but it is not cool to feel irritated 24/7 because you have cheese coming out of your vagina. seriously!
After this is cleared up, you need to make some changes, lest it come back with a vengeance!
You have to drink something with less yeasty sugar.
If you need something with less sugar, try vodka like Monopolowa.
It is delicious.
If you need to look punk, drink whiskey. Get a flask. Very Punk.
You’ll need less to get drunk (which your body will appreciate) and you will look very hard.
Wear cotton underwear.
As for your pants? i don’t know what your gender deal is, but could you sacrifice and wear a short skirt for a while? Just a few days. You can wear it with some cotton leggings or something.
If that is too womanly for your tastes, I say invest in a onesie. That being a one piece outfit, sort of like a mechanic would wear. One that is loose enough that it doesn’t further infect your crotch. Not only will you look cute and be a walking conversation-starter (do NOT tell people you’re wearing it for yeast prevention), but you’ll be giving your crotch a break.
when you’re at home, chill out in pajama pants. Put on your skin tight outfits only when you leave the house.
That’s my advice.
The doctor has spoken.