I posted the following completely serious ad on Craigslist exactly one year ago today. Circumstances: I had been (unhappily) employed at Whole Foods for a good ten months, which is roughly four months longer then my usual forays into employment, so I was trying to spice shit up. Also, KD Lang had been in the store a few days prior and she completely ignored the Missed Connection I posted. Dyke.
Crushtomer Wanted – 26 (Chapel Hill)
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: 2008-03-19, 4:29PM EDT
My fellow employees at Whole Foods Chapel Hill have been discussing ways to make our jobs more enjoyable and, after much deliberation, we’re in agreement–we need a crushtomer. Actually, it’d be great if there were plenty of crushtomers to go around and the straight boys and gay girls wouldn’t have to share, but we need to be realistic here. One will do.
In order to satisfy everyone’s needs, we will, unfortunately, have to dismiss potential crushtomers who are too outside conventional standards of beauty. That said, even though our ideal group crushtomer probably shouldn’t be covered in tattoos or have sick rattails, it’s ok with me if you do. Also, someone in Specialty is really into extra digits. In general, however, we want our crushtomer to resemble the love child of Brooke Shields and Iman with a dash of young Elvis thrown in. That’s not too much to ask, is it? I didn’t think so.
Also, please be nice. It’s hard to love a crushtomer who’s overly-demanding. Not that our customers are ever overly-demanding, of course.
Serious inquiries only.
I didn’t get many replies to this—unlike my ISO Myspace Girlfriend post, which garnered many, many replies and was deleted in various cities across this great nation—but I did get the following:
hi! CRUSH THIS!! : )
i just happened to look at this part of craig’s list, and came accross your ad. it really got my attention.
i’m married and don’t want my husband to take part in this part of myself (he supports me and knows i’m doing this, but will not take part).
i’ve been w/ only a couple of women b/f, maybe b/c i’m very picky. but your ad caught my eye..:)
i love whole foods…which one are you….got any photos?
i’m pretty busy now, as i’m at med school at UNC, but i do have down time to explore.
i’ll attach a photo, hope you like. i would like to see more of you…
And the photos? Ima link this so you don’t get fired if your boss happens to be looking over your shoulder.
So, natch, I forwarded this to those friends and family I thought would appreciate such beauty (and from a doctor no less! Sexy and smart!) and this was my favorite response, compliments Lil Skillet:
That is totally a mailorder bride. She’s got a thirteen-year-old body with a forty-year-old face. And her boobs look like rocket ships. BLAST OFF!!! What the fuck are those shoes anyway? Do they even make shoes like that?
No, my friend, they don’t make shoes like that.