My creative outlet (time waster) a few winters ago was writing fake Craigslist ads in an effort to make the Best of Craigslist. I not only failed in this endeavor, I also failed to save all but one post. The following, however, was archived by a fellow blogger who sent it to me this morning. This particular ad garnded A LOT of responses, almost all of which went along the lines of “Your a stoopid fuck n i hope u di u mean bich.”
ISO: Myspace “girlfriend”
Reply to: firstname.lastname@example.org
Date: 2008-01-26, 12:01PM
Here’s the scenario:
After my ex and I split up a year ago, I changed my Myspace account to private because she went all crazy/nasty on me and started messaging my friends things like, “Hey, did you fuck my girlfriend? I think you fucked my girlfriend,” and I wanted to remove her access to those people whom I may or may not have had extra gay-martial relations with.
But now I’m ready to open back up to the world. Here’s the thing–even though I want my ex to think I’m completely over her and don’t regret breaking up with her and don’t want her back at all and don’t think about her right before I fall asleep at night and immediately upon waking, I sort of do. Miss her, that is. Like, a lot. And, being human, I want her to want me. I mean, I know we’re never going to get back together and might never even speak to each other again, but I still want her to think I’m not just managing without her, I’m thriving.
And that’s where you come in.
I’m looking for Myspace girlfriend.
There are a few components to this, the most vital being photos. Ideally, you should live close enough so that we can swing by the mall one day for photobooth shots (my treat, of course, and I’ll even throw in Cinnabon), then borrow someone’s dog for a family shot, and later arrange some goofy/adorable photos of us doing the things we love to do together (cooking in matching aprons, painting furniture outlandish colors, taking “our” dog to the dog park, etc.) If, however, you don’t live close, don’t be discouraged. I happen to be a whiz at Photoshop and I’m perfectly willing to create a montage of our trip to Machu Picchu. Not to be completely superficial, but this aspect of the project requires you to be at least as attractive as my ex, which is, unfortunately, no easy feat. I think it’s best if you don’t resemble her so that she can’t convince herself that my new “girlfriend” is a mere replacement. She was pretty dark, so it’s best if you have a fair complexion. Height is a plus as well, as are tight abdominal muscles for our beach photos.
My preference is that your Myspace page is private so that she’s left to wonder about you. Are you a college dropout or a Harvard post-doc? Food stamps or tenure-track? Not knowing will really fuck with her. I realize, of course, that as your fake girlfriend, I’m not really in a position to demand that you privatize your account, but it is important that you look successful, regardless of the truth. That said, lies are accepted. Don’t have your dream job? She doesn’t need to know that. Just look good on paper.
There’s one other small aspect to this: Myspace comments. I want it all– glitter graphics, LOLCatz, YouTube clips, and lots and lots of one-sided conversations (small, ambiguous statements will do, like, “Me too, baby. Me too.”) Also, we’ll need pet names.
And what will you get out of this? Ideally, you are in need of a Myspace “girlfriend” as well and it’ll be an even trade. I’m plenty photogenic and I can definitely come up with some inside jokes to leave on your page. And if you aren’t trying to make anyone jealous, just think of it as pro bono work.