TWENTY TWENTY HINDSIGHT

1. Despite common knowledge,  Lisa Frank did not actually invent the unicorn.

2. She did, however, violate the Children’s Online Privacy Act for letting kiddies ride her unicorn to her backyard rainbow without parental permission. Or for using her website to garner lil girls’ personal info (e.g name, address, phone number, favorite color) minus guardian consent.

3. For the above violation Lisa F. was fined 30 large by the FTC (aka Fuck The Centaur).

4. She also predicted the origins of the planet:

5. The unicorn is actually the direct descendant of the billy-goat.  The earliest genus had a little goatee thing like your old neighbor Guido, as well as a lion’s tail and cloven hooves, whatever the fuck those are.

6. The unicorn’s horn neutralizes poison, so you best order some of that shit off Ebay before your next Jagerbomb.

7. Not only is the unicorn’s horn a panacea for those really, really bad hangovers where you wake up with a half-eaten take-out box of Time Out mac ‘n cheese on your bathroom floor, it’s also good for herpes and yeast infections, at least according to my friend Spencer P.

8. The unicorn is closely related to the narwhal, which has a phallic bone-thing jutting from it’s head like one of those dudes with devil horns implanted in his skull.

9. The narwhal is, like my stuffed polar bear Cozy, especially vulnerable to global warming, being all cold-water-friendly and shit.

10. This could be problematic if you’re actually concerned about global warming, but I personally am attracted to the healthy glow of that big tanning bed in the sky.

11. AKA my car’s running right now.

12. Another rare species of magical being? Precocious adolescent boys whose love and sex lives become the apple of our collective speculation and whose hobbies generally include song and dance (see Hansen Bros, Michael Jackson pre-vitiligo/rhinoplasty/cleft chin, Nick Jonas).

13. Speaking of Nick Jonas, I spent several daylight hours on Valentine’s Saturday writing a love letter to the virgin heart-throb (available here), before realizing that Nick and I will never consummate my undying and slightly creepy cougar love for him. See, Nick Jonas is gay.

14. Upon the above realization, I traveled from coffee shop (burnt coffee; cacophonous music; service that reminds me of my own as a very disgruntled barista before I left the food-service industry to pursue higher eduction; free wi-fi) to the bar up the street to drink away my love’s faggotry with my dear friend S. Windsor (Yes, of the Pensacola Windsors) to the tune of Senor Cuervo.

15. It was five o’clock in the afternoon.

16. By last call I had made out with a girl in the bathroom of a bar shortly after being introduced to her boyfriend; watched two besties alternately make-out with each other and slap each other to the shock of dining Valentine’s couples; cried; told a kind woman that the reason I couldn’t get my bike unlocked was not because I was drunk but because I am legally blind (lie) and sometimes the combination spontaneously changes (true); invented the charred chard pizza; and texted three different people with the news that I was having a heart-attack but would like to get brunch the next morning anyway. All this for Nick Jonas.

17. At this point I feel it necessary to re-affirm my gayness, just in case you’re under the impression that I’m a reformed vagatarian.

18. I am still gay, but it turns out that I’m actually a gay MAN. See, I’ve done some qualitative research (Google) on the mating habits of the homo Homo sapien and it turns out that I am no longer Lohan. No, dykes are NESTERS. They say things like “Happy Valentines Day! Let’s get another cat!” and enjoy sharing popcorn on the couch while rooting for whichever woman on Survivor has the biggest biceps.

19. Fags, on the other hand, are perfectly willing to knock you up and lose your number in the same night. THESE ARE MY PEOPLE. Unlike most scissor sisters, I have an actual documented allergy to other peoples’ DNA on my pillow case. It’s true. I’ve started to keep hairnets on my bedside table because I was doing so much laundry that Teeter literally cut off my quarter supply.

20. Speaking of fags, lets get back to unicorns.

21. It’s a well-known fact that unicorn hunts must use virgins to entrap the horny (HA!) bastards.

22. In light of the above, if you really want that rainbow-colored unicorn for your next birthday, best keep your pants on.

23. Remember that one Harry Potter book where he hitches a ride on a centaur’s back? Well, that centaur’s name was Ronan, which happens to be my middle name, which happens to mean that I’m part magical beast.

24. According to Marco Polo, of shallow-end fame, unicorns spend their time by preference wallowing in mud and slime. They are very ugly brutes to look at. They are not at all such as we describe them when we relate that they let themselves be captured by virgins, but clean contrary to our notions. Looks like someone’s been sipping on the Haterade.

25. Unicorns are mentioned in eight passages of the Bible. That enough evidence for you?

Not only has Facebook’s latest chain letter been clogging my in-box for the past two weeks, it’s now interfering with my other time-wasting methods. And, yes, I recognize the blatant hypocrisy of bitching about those 25 Random Things lists when each of the 49 (now 50) posts below are ALL ABOUT ME. I’m certainly no stranger to over-sharing, but, in the spirit of a soon to be shark-jumped meme, a change:

25 Random Things About Male Lactation

1. Let’s talk Homo sapien. Think just because you’re an outie you missed out on the mammary train? WRONG. Those nips aren’t for naught, dude friends.

2. Meaning, your boy holes are potential lactation stations if you stimulate that shit enough.  That’s right—rub, bitch.

3. My dad teaches a class in human sexuality and on the first day of class he tells his students that if any of the dudes can produce a milky dribble by the end of the semester, they get an automatic A.

4. If the above option were available to me, I’d be sorely tempted to invest in a breast pump. Unfortunately, I had to earn my As in college the old fashioned way: painting the dean’s toenails under her palatial mahogany desk, after which she made me dust her first editions in my underoos.

5. But just because you XYs have the ability to lactate doesn’t mean your lil drips can compare with the full power of a mother’s mams.

6. Nope. You’d be better off asking that nice lady upstairs for a squeeze than trying to moisten your morning Muesli solo-style.

7. Unless, of course, you have man boobs, or, as some people say, “moobs,” but I find this disrespectful.

8. Speaking of moobs, they can be the symptom of a unfortunate condition called gynecomastia (i.e. the development of abnormally large mammary glands in males resulting in breast enlargement).

9. See John Popper.

10. Remember when I just said that all men need to do to lactate is give their nips a vigorous, silver-dollar-polishing rub?  Well, I was lying.

11. See, my dad told me it was true, and, being a trusting motherfucker, I believed him. But then I wikied that shit.

12. Turns out ol’ Pazog is full of shit, which shouldn’t suprise me considering that I grew up believing that he was a Rolling Stone.

13. In reality, men CAN lactate, but it takes a lot more than some superficial stimulation.

14. In fact, male lactation has increased in recent years due to all the Bogangle’s you’ve been shoving down your gullet.

15. Jk. It’s got shit to do with egg and cheese biscuits (yum). Lactation is associated with estrogen (duh) and estrogen is used to slow the growth of prostate cancer (sad), so men can develop active mammary glands when flooded with estrogen, like in treating cancer.

16. As can transwomen taking hormones, natch.

17. But the real cool shit? “Extreme stress combined with demanding physical activity and a shortage of food has also been known to cause male lactation. The phenomenon occurred in survivors of the liberated Nazi concentration camps after World War II. Some American POWs returning from the Korean and Vietnam Wars also experienced male lactation. The phenomenon has also been observed in isolated cases in other parts of the world.” (Thx, Wiki.)

18. Newborn chilluns occasionally get boob leakage. Name: witch’s milk.

19. The Dayak Fruit Bat, a rarish lil guy habitating on the Sudra Shelf of Southeast Asia, is the only member of the Full-Time Paternal Lactation Club.

20.

21. Is the above image cute or gross? Ima go with gross.

22. Also gross? Peep this rarity I found when Google Imaging “dayak fruit bat.”

23. I think my Database professor can tell I’m not taking notes, so we’ll have to wrap this up.  The Final Two Random Things About Male Lactation are visual representations of the only males whose bleeding mams wouldn’t make me hitch my buggy to the next nunnery.

24. Boy Love Number One

25. Boy Love Number Two