Although the population that identifies as homosexual in this country is a relatively small 10.43 percent, a recent New York Times article, “The Americanization of Mental Illness,” argues that, like democracy and the colors red, white, and blue, homosexuality, once a solely Western phenomenon (See: Iranian President Ahmadinejad’s response to a question posed by a likely homosexual during appearance at the notoriously liberal Columbia University, “In Iran, we don’t have homosexuals like in your country…. I don’t know who told you that we have this.”), is spreading. The author, Ethan Watters, whose book Crazy Like Us: The Globalization of the American Psyche, will be published next month, doesn’t actually mention homosexuality in the article (or, at least, the portion of the article that I read because it was kind of long it seemed more important to throw a tennis ball against my neighbor’s house than finish reading), but this is because Mr. Watters lives in San Francisco, a noted hotbed of sodomy and Mexican food, and doesn’t want you to equate homosexuality with other mental disorders, despite what the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (Vol II, 1968), which was written by licensed medical professionals, states.
Watters does, however, analyze the spread of other mental illnesses from West to East. Take, for instance, anorexia, which was an unknown dietary plan in Hong Kong until a fourteen-year-old girl named Charlene Hsu Chi-Ying collapsed on a sidewalk in 1994 after skipping breakfast one too many times. What was rare became an epidemic in the aftermath of Charlene’s death, spread in part by headlines like Thinner Than a Yellow Flower, Weight-Loss Book Found in School Bag, Schoolgirl Falls Dead on Street. What was less common than koro, or the fear that one’s genitals are retracting into one’s body, became as much a part of the cultural landscape as vending machines that sell used underpants. That is, anorexia didn’t exist until the media made it so.
The same can be said of homosexuality. The proof is in the numbers. In 1975, for instance, Googling “Anderson Cooper + gay” produced approximately zero results. Today, however, the same search produces about 938,000 hits. Every time Anderson Cooper shows his well-toned facial muscles on cable news, a gay is born. And so, even if you are not a homosexual and no one you know is a homosexual, it’s only a matter of time before your son tells you he wants to quit Little League and buy a tutu. What follows in meant to help your transition into the world of homosexuality.
In case you’re unfamiliar with homosexuality, let me explain. Homosexuality is a psychological disorder in which one is attracted to members of the same sex. Symptoms among males (also know as “fags”) include a love of the color lavender, the pop music star Beyonce, and hair products. Symptoms among women (“lesbians” or “dykes”) are more subtle, as there are many varieties of homosexual females (see, for example, a common middle-aged variant recognizable by their Labrador retrievers and Life is Good hats and/or tee-shirts), but they are easy to spot as they tend to move in packs. While homosexual men may seek companionship among heterosexual women (“fag hags”) as well as other homosexual men, lesbians (see also “gayelles,” “scissor sisters,” and “Queen LaQuiffa”) tend to segregate from other parts of society, preferring to maintain friend groups composed solely of other homosexual woman. This does not, however, mean that all it takes to befriend a lesbian is membership in what they refer to as “the family.” On the contrary, lesbians naturally separate into different sects and look upon sects other than their own with derision. You will never, for instance, see a softball lesbian sharing a blanket at the Michigan Womyn’s Music Festival with a hipster dyke with prominent and colorful tattoos, most likely of inanimate objects. While it is true that they may both have bowl cuts, any chance of friendship is negated by the fundamental disparity in the widths of their pant legs.
There are multiple variations of homosexuality. Bisexuals (see also, “dirty bisexuals”) are noted for the intense jealousy they incite in their partners, who become suspicious not just of other homosexual women but also of heterosexual men, and, at times, of anyone with viable genitalia because, hey, she’s obviously undiscriminating, right? Another variation of homosexuality is transgenderism, symptoms of which include the unstoppable urge to change one’s name from something gender specific (e.g. “Sarah”) to something gender neutral (e.g. “Toast”). Transgendered populations are also marked by a decrease in sense of humor, which is the result of the large doses of hormones transgendered people often take in order to alter their physical appearances. This does not effect all transgendered people, just the one who stomped my foot when I expressed confusion about said person’s adopted pro-noun (“y’all”).
While some homosexual people choose to fight the disorder with psychological intervention or commit to a lifetime of celibacy, and some choose to enter into traditional heterosexual relationships with the hope that their gayness will dissipate in a heteronormative environment, someday making it possible for them to make love to their spouses without imagining Tom Brady in a Speedo to feel aroused, an increasing number of homosexuals are choosing to embrace their psychoses. They enter romantic relationships with other homosexuals, form performance art collectives with other homosexuals, and even raise their children to be homosexuals. In light of this movement towards universal acceptance, study the following principles to best communicate with your homosexual….
1. Two bottoms don’t make a top. While this phrase likely means nothing to you, the principle is well-known in homosexual society. Whereas traditional male/female relationships often include a built-in “top” (male) and a built-in “bottom” (female), homosexuals must negotiate these roles. And because it can be uncomfortable to discuss such preferences when you’re not even sure of your new friend’s name, homosexuals often enter into sexual congress unaware of their partner’s preference for “topping” or “bottoming.” When two homosexuals prefer the same role, one homosexual must relinquish their preferred position, or, as in the two bottoms scenario, sex looks a lot like two people laying on their backs waiting for the other person to make the first move. While it is not unequivocally true that two bottoms or two tops cannot have a fulfilling sexual relationship, it can be a complicating force. Note: femme tops are a rare and valuable breed.
2. Also known as butch-on-butch violence, butchinsense is characterized by the unstated conflict between two lesbians of the same ilk, typically, lesbians who display more masculine characteristics. Caused by a generalized anxiety among homosexuals due to the small number of available partners, butchinsense often dissipates when said butches converse for the first time and realize that they actually have a lot in common and might as well be friends. Femminsense exists, but is far less common.
3. Lesbian bed death is a myth. Actually, it’s not a myth, although homosexual women wish it were. Symptoms of lesbian bed death include owning multiple cats and peeing with the door open, both of which exacerbate what is already a common problem in long term lesbian relationships: that is, a tendency to be boring. There is no equivalent in homosexual male relationships.
4. Your homosexual may at some point express a desire to marry his or her homosexual lover. When this happens, you should never express that homosexual marriage is a really fun game and you’d love to play along. You should react the same way you would when the heterosexuals in your life discuss the same subject. Support your homosexual and then, after she realizes that her partner’s new spoken word piece is actually about the shortstop on her softball team, gently remind her that the whole thing was as real as two four-year-olds reciting their vows and exchanging ring pops, and thank god for that.
Because the spread of homosexuality is inevitable and unstoppable, I hope this information will help you be better prepared the next time your brother tells you about the new friend he met while scarf shopping at Banana Republic.